i am so freaking TIRED

this kid is going to be the end of me i just know it...

i'm barely functioning...just call me zombie,

it's probably a much better description than human

i'm being a horrible mommy,

i can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning,

and even then, late morning

oh how i hope this passes soon!!!

hopefully 5 or less more wks and i'll be out of it

so it's been awhile...

but what do you see over on the right?

oil leak, check, carseats, check, tune up, check

so for those of you that remember my car got crunched a few weeks back...hallalujia they did NOT total my car

even better they sent us the check for the repair so we could decide what to do with itso instead of getting the body work done (because it doesn't really look THAT bad) we got the oil leak worked on again (didn't completely solve the problem but helped a TON)

since the carseats were in the car the insurance co was required to replace them, instead of replacing them w/ the same seats, since i was going to be upgrading the seats soon, i just got what i wanted and paid the difference, so instead of almost $400 for carseats i only had to pay $117!!! (which also came out of the body repair check) and tomorrow the car goes in for a tune up, get the broken light fixed from the accident, have safety and emissions done so we can get the tags renewed, we were able to pay for #2's cast, AND get caught up on rent!!!

so hubby was right, it WAS a blessing in disguise!!!

mia again

so i'm in this fertility study, can't remember if i've talked about it here or not

http://www.eagertrial.org/about_study.php

and OF COURSE hubby has to leave for work when i rank a 3 on the fertility monitor

so if i DO get preggie this month it will probably be a girl, which is fine, because despite the fact

that I want a boy (actually a set of twin boys) my main priority is that i have a healthy baby

so if i can get preg w/ a healthy baby this month i will be on cloud 9!

which takes acting out of the mix for me all of next year, BUT not directing...i'm leaning

twds taking a show that auditions in november and opens in jan...i want to read it before i

commit to it though to see if i feel like it's up my ally or not

oh, i'm also so freaking tempted to go and buy up a bunch of $ store preggie test

and start taking them next monday, actually i'd love to take it now, but i know it wouldn't

show up yet LOL

if i don't get preggie this month i'll actually be disappointed because this is the first

time that we've actually been activly trying w/ timing and all that good stuff...oh how a

fertility monitor provided via the study helps with that!!!

although if i don't get preg i'm calling SkyWest on the fact that they have it out

for me getting preggers

LOL!!!

PLEASE DO NOT TOTAL MY CAR

so last week we were out and about, hubby had to take #1 to the car for a time out because her behavior was rediculous

well, while they were sitting in a parked, turned off car for time out the guy parked to the drivers side of them pulled out and took out the front panel of the drivers side of the car!!!

he stopped as once he started to drag our car because it was kinda locked w/ his (tires wells) he realized what he was doing (he was in a new dodge ram i think hubby said) swapped insurance info and such...did estimate for work yesterday for his insurance co to fix the car

HOLY FREAKING COW!!!

the estimate to fix the car is $1355.50 the car at kbb.com good condition is worth just over $1500...oh how i hope they are not going to total our car, we can not afford to buy another car, the car is perfectly drivable...oh, and they'll replace our carseats, which i'm still trying to decide if i want to do or not because i was going to be getting new seats w/in the next 6 months, but nicer more expensive seats, so this would go twd that, but i don't think i can afford the balance of the new carseats...oh this is such a pitb!!!

So I've been MIA as of late

So the business finally opened on the 1st of October and we've had 1 sale so far...and hey, 1 is better than nothing right, even if it did come from my sister LOL

http://www.kingscrossgreetingcards.com/ is the link if you want to check it out

It's kinda crazy having 20,000 cards and 21,000 envelopes just laying about the house...if we sold them all, especially at individual prices instead of box set prices, we'd be able to pay off our loan much faster than not...of course we won't do that because we have to replace stock, increase designs, eventually we might get a cut

after i have to admit that a "company car" with our logo on it would be a nice thing to have

i expect big things to happen, but i also know that big things take time

busy busy busy

so it's been busy around here

got the funding for the business

www.KingsCrossGreetingCards.com/Blog

if you want to keep up with that

finally broke down and got the kids a swing set yesterday

got a sunburn on my neck and part of my leg putting it together to have the glider have a bold snap/sheer so i couldn't put it on the set, so the girls are all stoked about it, thankfully they don't realize a piece of it is missing

i got a part in the halloween play

not the part i originally wanted, but still a good/fun part

it was the logical choice for the director to go the way she did

i'm considering asking her if i could direct or co-direct a show for her next year

i think that would be fun

#1 started pre-school about 3 wks ago and she LOVES it

hubby just got his raise so while we're still not recovered from the summer slump

but hopefully it won't take too long, i'm hoping after his 2nd paycheck this month we'll be fine

granted i need to call both of his loan handler companies and find out what the payments will

be going up to at the end of october/begining of november so that i can set up the budget modifications that need to happen

lots of exciting things have been going on and lots of craziness

including consideration of another dog to give the one we're dog sitting someone to play with

yes i am insane, a new dog and pt'ing my 2 yr old...

oh, and i have i told you all that not only are we going to be going for #3, but that i actually want twins so i can have my 4 and be done...the idea of being pregnant 2 more times is not high on my list of things i want to do, i could give birth until the cows come home, but that 9 months leading up to it and i are just not friends LOL

ahhh the smell of CRAZY!!!

so we've been working on the business (check the blog out here www.KingsCrossGreetingCards.com/Blog) and we're coming down to the wire...trying to figure out our internet marketing plan, but the money will be in hand soon and we've got to get the final wrinkles removed for the contract w/ our artist, get them all signed, select the cards we want, pay for them, get them printed...of course get the website finished...

AND

maintain a fairly "normal" family life

well

normal for us LOL

"blast" from the past

the other day, i found my current and pretty much rarely used journal

i thought it would be fun to see what was going on at the begining of said journal

so read i did and i realized something...

i used to be WAY deeper of a person than i am now LOL

granted now i'm lucky if i have time to think about anything, but i'm definately nowhere as deep

as i once was

i was somewhat blind at the time too though...i was so "in love" w/ the last guy i dated in college...i look back that whole time in my life, and while i'm greatful for what i learned (because if we don't learn something from our experiences what was the point of going through it right?) man i was stupid and i wish i'd not allowed myself to dwell on it as i did...deep down i knew it then as i do now...i would NOT have been happy married to that guy, at least not as happy as i deserve to be and most definately now am...dang i'm one lucky chick...i got an awesome, devoted husband who also happens to be an amazing father...the other guy...let's just say i would've had another kid to take care of among other verious other quirks...i totally wish this guy happiness, which he won't gain until he grows up and becomes quite abit less selfish...i had to giggle when i was reading and said what my dad said about it at the time...he totally thought the guy was a total chicken and of course not worthy of his daughter LOL my mom wanted me to move on, which was hard to do...especially when i'd brought myself to the realization that he wasn't going to marry me, but i was so close to leaving what was the point of even trying to date anyone else...why not just date him until i left...he of course changed that, although we still did things together on occasion and when i'd come back to the state we'd get together and visit...we were really good friends until i got engaged and then

BAM

he dropped off the face of the planet

funny how that works sometimes...i had another friend that did the exact same thing, but in hindsight i kinda think he was in love w/ me...but how the heck was i supposed to know that...he gave me NO indicators of such, at least not that i picked up on...granted i'm kinda dense when it comes to that kind of stuff so he very well may have been LOL

i remember at various points prior to meeting, falling madly in love with, and marrying the amazing man that i'm married to now that i've had several guys in my life that i could've married, but i would've had varying degrees of happiness w/ each...would've been good marriages and loving and such, but each definately would've been different and none could compare (at least not imo) to what i've got now!

sure my hubby is a stinker on occasion, but those are so far and few inbtwn that they can be passed over as naught, because we all know that i'm so not an angle...not an easy person to live with i'd readily admit, but i'm much better than i used to be ;)

bang head here

if you have children you know exactly how i'm feeling right now...

neither of my kids went to bed when they were supposed to lastnight, needless to say not

getting the amount of sleep that they need so today

BEAST

that is what they both are and it's driving me nuts!

just thought you'd like to know

"I know a chicken..."

if you have kids you know EXACTLY that i'm refering to LOL

and to top it off, it's been going through my head almost all day along w/ shakin' down the sugar by laurie berkner' songs

if's funny how the things we play for our kids totally get stuck in our minds and WE START TO LIKE THEM

here i was working on somethings at the computer while #1 danced to the music and i totally found myself jammin' right along!

let's analyze this for a moment

it's got a catchy beat

most songs are quite jazzy

the lyrics are clean, easy, and fun

so what's not to like?!!!

ok, so i will now confess i'm off to listen to some more, yes my children are asleep and have been so for several hours, but i obviously need a fix LOL

today is the day...

wow, it really happened...

i knew it would, but still it was kinda surreal ya know...

the il's left this morn for copehnagen denmark for the next 3 years and we are the sole residence of this freaking HUGE house!

i'm seriously going to have to hire a cleaning lady to come in once a month and do deep cleaing or i'm never going to be able to stay on top of this house...not the way my girls DESTROY everything...seriously if i took a picture w/ a digital camera, looked at it and then deleted it immediately, it would still last longer than it would irl LOL

on a different note, i finished the womens business grant application today, tomorrow it goes into the mail...if i could get the requested amount it would really make some of the finances easier...and we all know how i like easier, especially when it comes to money right?

now if i could JUST get the business plan done and turned in all would be lovely and grand

can any one say

STOP THE INSANITY!!!

it's really all good, i'm just feeling the pressure to get all this business stuff completed and perfected by the 29th of the month, preferrably sooner...

i've really accomplished alot...oh crap, i need to type all that up...grrr

well, i guess there went my 10:30 in bed lights off time...

we've got another meeting tomorrow morn w/ the small business advisor and i still didn't get done everything i wanted to, but i can't kick myself because i really have done alot

well, so as to not miss my goal bed time by too much i'm off to do that

just one of THOSE days...

crabby, that would be a great word to describe my mood at the moment

i'm bordering on exhaustion and #1 decides that today is the day she REALLY doesn't want to listen...driving me batty

i'm trying to keep it together because it's not her fault i'm not getting the sleep i need

and i must be insane as well because i told sil she could bring her 2 over and i'd watch them until 5 ish...hopefully earlier than that, but i'm betting on later...which now having her cousine here means that #1 will listen that muchless...oh well, at least i know it's going to happen and thank heavens for max and ruby...that ought to occupy them for at least a little while...

Market research...PLEASE participate!!!

what types of greeting cards do you want to see when you go to a store/card section/website?

what price range to you expect to see and consider a value on cards?

would you special order personalized greeting cards if you could for a little more than just buying a pre-made one and if so how much more would you expect to pay?

does it have any impact on you when you see a meme/logo (embossed or stamped) of the card company on the envelope flap when someone gives you a card, if so why?

if you had the choice of buying from a company that was about the same or a little less or a company that 10% of your purchase price went to a charity of your choice (from an established list; ie pediatric aids, komen, habitat, etc) which would you go with?

if you went with the site that donated to charity, what charities would you like to choose from?

would you purchase cards that were printed on recycled paper if you found a line that was appealing, even if it was a few cents more expensive than 1st time consumer product?

would you find a card site that was similar to jk rowlings site annoying, cool, fun, complicated, etc? ( http://www.jkrowling.com/en/thankyou.cfm or http://www.tacobell.com)

if an "occasions" box was offered, what type of occassions would you want to see in the box (ie wedding, birthday, sympathy, etc)?

if the site offered a service where you could create your own card, one or multiples, and then personalize it and send it...possibly including a gift card, gift basket, gormet popcorn, etc...would you be interested in that and if so how much would you expect to pay for these cards?

simply stunning!!!

http://www.youtube.com/v/ervaMPt4Ha0&autoplay=1

wow...it's getting really close!!!

internet has been transfered into my name as of the 1st of june

gas is set up to be transfered into my name on july 2nd as is the electricity

the security system contact phone number has been set up to change to our number and the account noted that we'll be the ones in the house for the next 3 years...

it's crazy that it's all starting to fall into place

exciting, but still crazy...it's not like i've not known this was going to happen, it's been pretty much slated out since we moved in here last year...but still, it just always seemed so far away and more like some distant memory rather than a reality...kwim?

this month is full of all kinds of little and big things going on...it will be interesting to see exactly how fast it all goes...speaking of, i need to go make an invitation for our sunday school class...all the kids remembered to bring their scriptures for a month so we're rewarding them w/ a pizza party

yes i know it's bribery, but i'm not above that...are you?

tired, crabby, stressed, and in pain

tired--as always

crabby--sadly at times goes along w/ being perpetually tired

stressed--money is thin and my tutoring is lessening because it's getting to the summer for most kids

in pain--not sure what i did but man my lower back (nerve damage area) is really hurting today!!!

beyond these lovely things, all is going quite well if you ask...

dh and i are going to start a greeting cards business,

well...at least that is the plan

sadly his schedule this last month and this coming month do not allow him to attend church

that always is a hard thing for him and me as i get to go it alone...

i have 6 days until my check up on my broken foot when they will hopefully tell me that i'm

all good and can stop wearing the walking cast

then i'll be able to wear heels out of fashion and desire rather than necessity

the girls are getting bigger all the time, we're spending more time outside so their hair is

lightening up quite a bit, still don't think they'll ever be platinum like i was when i was their age, but it's definately lighter than it was

i'm going to be "brave" and lemon my hair so that i can get mine a little lighter

it's gotten darker w/ each pregnancy and i'm really not in love w/ the color

but we all know i'm just way too lazy to do anything chemical about it...lemon i figure is

just accelerating the sun so it wont' be a big deal and i won't be hard to maintain if i decide to...

tutoring is of course getting slower, as it's the end of the year for most, but seriously

some kids get super summer crazy and do very silly things

last week i had a kid log in seriously like 20 times that did not need help at all

it drove me bonkers!!!

it is finished!

last night was the final show for the cruise of love!!!
it's one of those bitter sweet things, i'm glad it's over because it's really stretched me thin with everthing else i've had going on, but i'm totally going to miss it because i got adult interaction/conversation and got to do something i love...
oh, i was paid a very nice complement imo after saturday night's performance...a middle aged gentleman on his way out said i should come to the hale and try out there and that i could've been his daughter in beauty & the beast...i'm assuming for his age and appearance he's playing maurice...how freaking awesome would it have been to play belle since b&b is in my top 5 shows and that is the character i'd want to play...oh soaking in the compliment LOL
i'm not sure if i'd want to do hale unless i got one of their paid parts because it's such a time commitment that it would take even more of my time than this play did and this one was hard enough, juggling the kids, work, and time with rich when he was home...probably just going to stick to vcp unless hale has auditions open up for another of my top 5's which probably won't happen because i don't see them doing my fair lady, into the woods, the wizard of oz, or phantom of the opera anytime soon LOL...i don't want much do i ;)
i think as our kids get older i'll try and do more stuff like this depending what they've got going on so that i can have my hobby too...oh, and lastnight, joseph (bruce in the play) told me that i should become one of vcp's directors...the thought is actually kind of appealing, but i'm not sure if i'm ready to bite that off just yet...if i've seen it i can work with it and finess it, but i don't know if i could visualize all of it on my own to tweak what was in the script...it's something to kick around though!

only 3 more to go

fri, sat, and mon and then this run of the show i'm in is done and i will be going on hiatus until august when the auditions for the halloween shows comes up...so much craziness going on in the next few months that that is not one of the things i want to add on top of it...and there really aren't any shows i'm super interested in until the halloween show to be in, see yes, be in no...

my foot is doing better than i expected it to, have to wear my walking cast for 4 wks, then depending how my check up goes i either have to wear it 2 more or i can stop wearing it...i'm hoping for the 2nd obviously LOL

movers are coming on monday to pack up and take away the 1st shippment of stuff that is going to denmark for my il's...basically the stuff they won't NEED btwn now and when they get there...and then next month on the 20th i think they'll come and pack up all the stuff that is going to be stored and put it in the two rooms designated for storage so the house will be fairly empty and then what little we have will be moving up stairs...it will be interesting to see what it all looks like...the furniture is staying of course, but all the "fluff" is going to be gone...fil asked me what things i wanted them to pack up and store...i told him if they'd feel bad if it got broken or damaged it needed to be put away LOL...not that i plan on letting my children run wild, but things do happen...

OH, dh asked #1 and #2 this morning if they wanted a baby bro or baby sister, they both said yes...hello, i just told him 2 nights ago i don't want to get preg until oct so i can do the halloween shows!!! LOL i think it was really one if his was to start getting comfy w/ the idea of another, he's been really anti for awhile...he wants more, but wasn't sure when he wanted more...#2 hasn't been as easy as #1 was...so it will be interesting how things play out...i still of course have the iud (which i'm in LOVE w/ btw) and would have to get that removed before things went anywhere in that dept...but i will admit that it's nice to know that he's thinking about it as a probable rather than a maybe...kwim?

i am now the "proud" new owner of...

a broken foot

i broke it tonight w/in the first 5 min of the last act of the play...at least it was the last act and not the 1st right?

we have 5 more shows to do and i have every intention of doing it, just may take a little extra finess working all the scenes on crutches, i'm hoping maybe i can swap for a cane, that would be much easier to work with...

thankfully i only have an accessory that i carry (clip board) and the only once to i really pick anything up, which i can easily direct another on staged to do for me...

well, it's 1:30 in the morning, i got home from the er about 30 min ago, and my children will be getting up in...oh...5 to 5:30 hrs so i'd better get me and my stinking broken foot to bed

i did make it to 29 w/o having a broken bone, well, other than a toe i broke a few years back, but there isn't much you can do about a toe LOL

so, i'll admit it...

i'm in LOVE w/ a private adoption agency!!!

http://www.westsandsadoption.org/index.php

i made the mistake of looking at their videos...man now i want to go out and get me a baby from china, haiti, and/or ethipoia!!!

update on being blind sided

turns out it was almost nothing, in 2 sessions i failed to engage the way i normally do, but the sessions were not like the ones i normally do (diff type of question) so that is to be modified but a couple days later i got my promo from tutor 2 to tutor 3!!!

6 more shows

i'm 2/3 of the way done w/ the run of the play i'm currently in...it's been an interesting ride but things are pretty well going now as far as the play itself...it's still a pain managing child care and such but the boys in my sunday school class rock and are all very surprised that they're getting paid to basically watch tv, movies, or do homework while my kids sleep LOL

it's kinda sillly the guy i play opposit and another cast member that is younger (he's 38 she's 21) the age difference shouldn't be an issue, things were going ok btwn them (somehow i became matchmaker communicator btwn them...so jr high LOL) but he's really not pulling his wt in the world of friendship (that's all they are currently and in jeapordy of loosing that as it is) he just doesn't get that a girl, be she a friend or more than that, deserves more than last minute consideration and she shouldn't have to put all the effort into it...this is why he is 38 and not married LOL...speaking of him, his family came to the show saturday night and they all picked at him later to see if i was single...he knew it was coming, i told him he should've told them he was playing opposit a married chick but he didn't so he deserves the digs he got right LOL

i'm excited about the show i want to do this fall...they're running 2 shows at the same time for halloween, hotel frankenstein and shadowbrook mansion, both have a vampress type character and i really hope to snag one of those spots, but i'll be on hiatus until the auditions for those because of all the transitions that are going to be going on w/ the il's getting ready to leave for denmark and us moving upstairs and such...that and i've been running myself ragged so i need to take some time to recoup physically...it's been several weeks since i've exercised and i really need to start that back up again, but i'm just now starting to feel good enough to even start it up again...not sure what i'll be doing, but i've got to do something...i really want to get my body back into really good shape before we start for another addition to the family (supposedly next feb...but we'll see on the timing could be sooner, could be later)

well, there is a MOUNTAIN of laundry that needs to be folded so off i go

the doggy trial run

so the il's went to hawaii last thursday to do some family related stuff (no not a vacation but they are getting in some fun things while they're there) so i've obviously had buster since then...lo and behold the dog apparently swallowed a chunk of his rawhide bone the night before he left, i did not find this out from them until friday or saturday!!! buster vomited on the floor mutliple times, on the couch and leather chair once, AND pooped on the floor like 5 or 6 times!!!

can we all say that i am so NOT happy about these things?!!!

on sat morn i cut a HUGE matted clump of poo out of his bum hair (yes, i was gagging...funny how when you get paid for something like that you don't gag, but when you're not you do LOL) but his bum hairs were just NASTY and i pretty much refused to give him a bath and deal w/ it, so yesterday (monday) i took him to a groomers and had a sanitary patch done, his nails clipped, and they also cut out some other poopy mats (smaller than the one i did on saturday) it cost me $20 but it was so totally worth it to not have to look at that and have it drop icky things on the carpet for 5 more days until my il's come home and take care of it...

even better though is that since he got cleaned up he's finally started acting normal (the rawhide really caused problems and he was depressed that they were gone) so now he's pretty happy again and seems to finally have stopped pooing on the floor, i've not had to clean any of that up since yesterday morning...although, in hindsight, i should've spent the extra 12- 14 $ and had a regular groom job done on him because he's still kinda stinky

please watch these if you love any child in your life...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azgBhZfcqaQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4xhLYXtnsE&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRP7ynNI8mI&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPt5_02IWsY&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2DVfqFhseo&mode=related&search=

if they don't show up...let me know because there is VERY important carseat info in these clips!!!

if nothing else a cool piece of fiction!!!

Back in September of 2005, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a social studies school teacher at Robinson High School in Little Rock, did something not to be forgotten. On the first day of school, with permission of the school superintendent and the princip al, she took all of the deks out of the classroom.

The students came into first period and discovered there were no desks.

They looked around and asked, "Ms. Cothren, where are our desks?"

She replied, "You can't have a desk until you tell me how you earn them."

They thought, "Well, maybe it's our grades."

"No," she answered.

"Maybe it's our behavior."

She told them, "No, it's not your behavior."

And so they came and went in the first period, still no desks in the classroom. Second period, same thing and third period-no desks. By early afternoon, television news crews had gathered in M s. Cothren's class to find out about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out ofthe classroom. The last period of the day, Martha Cothren gathered her class. They were at this time sitting on the floor around the sides of the room.

She stated to her students, "Throughout the day no one has really underst! oo how you earn the desks that ordinarily sit in this classroom."

She added, "Now I'm going to show you."

Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom and opened it. 27 U.S. veterans, wearing their uniforms walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. And they placed those school desks in rows, and then they stood along the walls.

By the time they had finished placing those desks, those kids for the first time understood how they earned those desks. FREEDOM!

Martha said, "You don't have to earn those desks. These guys did it foryou. They put them out there for you, but it's up to you to sit here responsibly to learn, to be good students and good citizens, because they paid a price for you to have that desk to sit in and to learn."

Our soldiers serve their country, their families, and the untold students in our classrooms all over the USA. Thank a soldier by praying for their safety and their mission. May they come home to their families soon. God bless and have mercy upon our country and each of its citizens, you and me included...

feel a little like i've been blind sided

ok, so i get the following email today

In recent weeks we have received several emails from a few members of the sales staff with some concerns regarding demos that you conducted for them. I would like to set up a time to meet with you on the phone, hopefully this week, to go over some basic information regarding hosting demos. Could you let me know what your availability is for this week on Tuesday-Friday from 7am to 5pm? I am guessing this should only take about 30 minutes or so. Thanks, and I will talk to you soon!

this was my response

Yes I can do that...would tomorrow at 11 est work for you? I'm sorry if some are having problems with what I'm doing, I was just doing what we've been trained to do...as far as filling empty space with board doodling and such, which I don't do a ton of, at least not in my opinion. And Ali has said that he's been more than happy with my performance as I've asked because I want to make sure that I'm presenting Tutor.com the best way possible. But as far as meeting with you, just let me know if 11 tomorrow works for you...and will you call me or do you want me to call you?

i hope it wasn't underhanded or anything but i fwd her initial message to me to Ali as he is the person that is directly over me...i asked him if he'd knew what any of this was about, haven't heard back from him yet

i seriously feel like i've been kicked in the gut because i feel this is totally out of the blue since i'd heard nothing but praise up til now...oh well, we shall see what happens...

to understand to acheive being understood

i'm not doing so hot at this...it's just like in any other aspect of a relationship...if you strive to understand, comfort, please, etc the other person and they're doing the same for you it achieves this great higher level of...well, i can't think of the word right now, but ya kwim right?

well, i'm not doing so great at it...i want to be understood by rich, yet i'm not doing my part in trying to understand him first...and he the same so we're butting heads when it comes to that...it kind of makes me laugh sometimes how similar and how different we are at the same time...

oh, update on the play, i did get the part of brenda (model w/ face time but not many lines) BUT there are 4 male rolls not filled and i'll admit i really feel like my time is being wasted w/o the whole cast being there and it's getting frustrating...like last week, they had some fundraiser or something on saturday, so other than doing a "fashion show" of what nicer clothes i had all i did was sit around and wait for something to happen w/ OUR play and it never did...granted i think that the director thought something was going to happen because she was very perplexed when one of our only 3 males didn't show up so they just did the practice for saturday, but if i'd known that was all they were going to do i would've gone home after trying on my last combo...seriously...i'm sure if i got in on a full cast situation i'd feel differently but i'm really feeling like this is just so unprofessional right now...

i'm totally having mixed emotions about it as i want to do it, but at the same time i want to drop it because i feel like my time is totally being wasted...

i just had to call today

alas she still does not know what part i will be in (if any at the moment) because she still hs 3 male parts to cast and depending who is cast will effect what part i get if any (ie too old or too young so guy doesn't match up w/ me) totally hoping that 3 more guys show up soon and are "perfect" so that the show will happen and so that i can have a part...granted if i don't make this one there are going to be more...there are always more shows to try out for!

calling her again on monday

to be continued...

i'm pretty sure i got a part...i'll let ya know next monday when i find out

YAY i'm gonna be in a play!

(probably)

WOO HOOOOOO!!!

i have an audition today at 4:15...we shall see what happens, doubt i'll get it, but hey, at least i'm in the process of trying to get back into it!!!

Entry #6 What I Want

this is my final one, and i'm glad it's here but i'm even more excited that i know what to say for this one...if you read the post just below this one you already know what the answer is

THEATER

dancing

singing

i'm so glad i pushed through feeling crappy yesterday and attended conference...i so needed that and i has helped to bring my circle around and yet at the same time it's helped me to realize it's not a circle its that lovely on it's side 8 for infinity!!!

i really feel like having the awakening for my love of theater and realizing how much i miss it and what's more intending to do something about it...a great blessing

thanks to those that have listened to me whine about this through the whole process, but now it's "done" and in the future if i write about it, there will be no whinning!!!

so i've had a break through (thanks to Tisha)

she and i went to the BYU student women's conference

(yes we're alum and not students LOL)

the theme was "doubt no, fear not" the key note speaker was Julie de vzevedo Hanks (apparently the signing time chick's sister) she made a wonderful point (quoted a 12, but don't recall which one) during her talk that perfection is not equal to flawless...perfect comes from the word telios and telos which basically translated is working twds an ultimate distant goal...so when we are told to be perfect we are to be activly working twds our ultimate goal of attaining the Celestial kingdom and the other things that will get us there...i love this...then we got to go to 2 break out sessions...we both went to "trust your heart: facing the future with confidence" presented by Karen Pool and then we split up for the 2nd and i went to "a workout for the family: strenghtening relationships in the home" presented by todd and debbie parker. both were quite good...

the big break through yesterday came after the conference was over while we were at Tisha's house and she was "sticking it to me" trying to get me to answer some of the questions presented in the 1st class we went to...gonna list what was presented and then i'll go from there

what have i learned about my heart?

what is the prupose of my life?

"Broader than roles & job titles, a life purpose statement reveals who you are & what gets you excited. it focuses on contribution; uses gifts & talents; is meaningful & enjoyable"

"my passion in life is to be a creative person -- whether what i am creating is my art or my family. creativity is central to the meaning of my life" -Anne Darby Parker, photographer

each of us carries a word in our heart--a "yes" or a "no"

"yes is a world

& in this world of

yes lives

(skillfully curled)

all worlds"

-e.e. cummings

the language of resistance

worry

doubt

control

judgement

negativity

scarcity

guilt

anxiety

i can't

i should

life's a struggle

it won't work

if only...

there's never enough...

but...

the language of possiblity

optimism

trust

integrity

commitment

prosperity

compassion

responsibility

i can; i will

i could

life's an adventure

i can learn

i'll figure it out

i want...

i promise...

what i like about myself is...

everything (an activity i'll list below)

"in unconscious regions of our souls, we fear our own sternght and tealnet and goodness [our light], which when developed fully, make us more visible, distinctive, powerufl, and more fully responsible to take on the things we now avoid." -Marsha Sinetar

when am i the most me? (this is the kicker right here)

"none of us can aspire to fulfillment through someone else. somewhere along the line of development, we discover what we really are, and then we make our real decision for which we are responsible. make that decision for yourself because you can never really live anyone else's life, not even your child's. the influence you exert is through your own life and what you become yourself." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"and i know, o Lord, that thou has all power, and can do whatsoever thou wilt for the benefit of man; therefore touch these stones with thy finger, and prepare them that they may shine forth in the darkness..." -Ether 3:4

more questions:

what "stones" or desires of my heart do i need to have touch by the finger of God?

what can i trust about my heart

what can God trust about my heart

ok, now for the notes i took from the class, activity, etc

we need to be something ourselves to be that wife/mother that we want to be because it will make us a better person, stronger and enable us to teach our children to be something themselves

the kicker question...when am i the most me...it was a painful realization that i had not a clue...no ideas whatsoever...and we'll come back to this in a moment

talent doesn't always equal passion

we need to keep asking ourselves questions then we need to think it, feel, it and write it down to help us grow, learn about ourselves, and help us progress to who we want to be

now for the activity...what i like about me is...everything...in this activity we had to for 90 seconds say "what i like about me is..." and put something in that phrase we liked about ourselves...if we couldn't think of anything immediately we had to say everything until we could come up w/ something...saying the phrase before each thing or each everything...this is my list

hair

eyes

skin

toes

singing voice

loyal

dependable

responsible

decently intelligent

decent mom

kids love me

i want to be that person dh sees me as

ppl can come to me because i am...

(can't read the word on the card and don't remember what i said here LOL)

everything (couldn't think of one)

pretty good with money

enjoy the outdoors

thankfully then our time was up LOL

2nd class the few notes i took there

together preisthood & womanhood are complete

relationships need to be a priority->build them

teach children life skills at home where they are comfortable, loved, & accepted

object lessons need to last visually and verbally...just think of Jesus Christ's object lessons they've lasted almost 2000 years so far

pride is essentially competitive, once the element of competition is gone, pride is gone

build relationships through service as a family

facilitator instead of authoritarian->what do you want to do->then help that child accomplish it to build their ability to use their agency as they should

punishment doesn't make you want to repent

"come unto me parenting"...1st teach...come to me & i'll help you be good until you can do it on your own

now for the stuff from Tisha's after the conference

the reason i've been struggling so much with "what i want" is that i don't think that way...i think "what do i want to achieve" when i come from that approach i can spout off things left and right...so it's just a matter of thinking "what do i want to achieve" rather than "what do i want"...which kinda boils down to the fact that i'm and action person...wanting something isn't really an action to me while achieving or working twds that goal obviously is an action

somethings i want to do

manage my time better

define time limits

bond more w/ my kids

get to know my girls better

pt riley (this one is far off, she's so not interested LOL)

read to my girls more

learn to snowboard better

get more quality time w/ rich (rather than just having quantity time)

stop being overwhelmed by the potential in my pb and start living up to it

go to the temple more

how i'm feeling about myself: i feel dull or diminished like i'm not progressing...like my windows are dirty and need a cleaning...BUT by time we were done talking and i went home, these were a little clearer and there is now light peaking through my windows!

how ppl see me

spiritual giant

organized

kind

gernerous

(there are others, just didn't list them)

how i see me

not spiritual giant, not a mouse either though

capable

fixer/doer

strong

inadequate at times

knowledgeable

obnoxious

determined

(there are others, just didn't list them)

ok, now here is where my break through happened...she kept pushing the "when am i the most me?" question from our 1st class

i NEED to dance (going to look into dance classes for rich and i to take together)

i NEED to sing (need to manage my sundays so possibly be able to attend choir practice)

and the biggest realization of the day

i miss theater terribly and NEED to get back into it, be it attending or performing (more performing than attending, but attending will definately help!)

so my homework from Tisha:

call the local theaters, find out if they have a storeybook theater troup and what shows they have try outs coming up for

i'm calling tomorrow!!!

my last comment about all of the above (an it's not right because i can't remember how i said it yesterday as it was perfect then, but this is pretty close)

don't waste who you are now while you are trying to achieve who you are going to become

Entry #5 What I Want

well, as you can tell i've been avoiding this successfully for a few days...and today i'm doing a more difficult one for me because other than a few things i really have NO idea!!!

What I Want Personally

i'd love to find out why i had such a hard time motivating myself and i'd love to "fix" that so that in the future it wouldn't be so dang hard for me to get myself to do things that are not a necessity...kwim?

i want to be able to manage our money in such a way that i don't have to stress nearly as much about where it's going to come from...of course part of that means us having more money than we do now, but we'll get there ;)

i want to be better about drinking enough water each day and eatting better

i want to improve and then maintain my health rather than loose it later because i'm not doing what i should now

while i don't feel like i've lost who i am, i feel like i'm out of touch w/ who that person is...which is why i have a hard time knowing what i want...i'd like to get back in touch w/ that person

i want to learn toe side so i don't muff up my knees every time i try!

i want to be better about staying in touch with family and friends

i want to get my body into shape before i get perggers again and i want to be able to maintain that in the best way i can during and after pregnancy

i never want to be one of those women that "let herself go" after she got married or had kids

i want to find a mascara that i won't have an allergic reaction to

i want to get rich's school loans paid off as fast as we can w/o making the family suffer by pinching where we shouldn't

i want to get rid of my reliefe society arms

i want to go to hawaii

i want to go to ireland

i want to learn to cook from scratch better than i do now

i want to enjoy cooking again

i want to figure out beyond the superficial things i've listed so far what i really truly want

i want to have a housekeeper to help me keep more on top of the house so rich doesn't feel overwhelmed by being the one that helps me now

i want to be able to tutor and do demos because i feel like it, not because i need to

i want to know what i want when i'm asked...food, movie, resturant, etc

i want to be able to get a good night sleep so i don't stuggle to get out of bed the next day...

i want to find what i'm good at, not just what i'm ok at

i want to not feel as uncomfortable as i do in crowds on occasion

i want this process not to stress me out like it does

i want to learn to sew better than i do

i want to become skilled enough too use my knitting machine (yes i cheat) and make more than scarves

i want to learn how to better deal with my emotions and how to express what i feel and think

i want to be able to use some of the knowledge that i have to help others and my family

i want to not feel like crying because this process is so not my cup of tea

now i want to finish this because i'll admit i'm a baby and this is getting too hard

so until next time...maybe i'll figure something else out...

just as a side note

i am getting the large rectangular baking stone from pc i'm SO excited about it i'm stupid LOL

another side note, i really need to get back into a good groove of cooking, granted money to spend on whatever groce i wanted would help that as i wouldn't feel as limited as i do now...someday!

Entry #4 What I Want

ok, so it's been a few days since i've done this and i will admit that it's mostly because i've been avoiding it...this "activity" is actually quite uncomfortable to me and i am so not enjoying it...AT ALL

so today's topic is parenting...i hope i can make it through this one faster than the others i've done so far

What I Want in

Parenting

now while i know i am not a bad mommy i don't really feel like i'm a great or even good mommy, i want to be a better mommy

i want to engage with my children more than i do now

i want to be that mom where all the kids want to come to their house because they feel comfortable and loved there

i want rich and i to be a team and not undermind each other the way that we do all to often now (usually out of not knowing what the other said)

not that i want the envy of men, but i wouldn't mind being looked at by other moms and them thinking i've got it together rather than me always being the one looking at others wishing i could be a better mommy like them

i want to be better at getting what i want/need my kids to do w/ love and reason rather than yells and threatenings (which are currently the only thing that works sometimes)

i want to be able to give my kids wings as far as them knowing they are loved, having confidence in their worth, being good decision makers, etc

i want to not be so tired so my patience isn't worn thin and so that i can have the energy to be that mommy i want to be

i want my kids to always know they can come to me no matter what

i want to teach my children the gospel and bring them up strong in that

i want rich and i to be consistent

i want to get aj away from the tv (she's such an addict)

i want to make good food choices for my family and raise healthy eaters

i want to learn more about carseat safety and other things of that nature so i can do all in my power to keep my kids safe

i want to have the knowledge and strenght to talk to my children about strangers, good touch bad touch, and other things of that nature that i'll honestly admit i'm totally intimidated by right now

i want to make good education decisions for my family (w/ rich's help of course)

ok, i'm being asked to go play a game by aj so i need to go do that now...this is my list for now...not sure if i will revisit this or not...we shall see

Entry #3 What I want

Entry #3 What I want
today i will do another "easy" one and do marriage...so here goes
what I want: marriage
i want to be cherished by my husaband (which i am!)
i want to have that commitment that it takes to get you through the bad times (if you have them, and at some point in time we all do right?)
i want to always remember the blessings that are mine if i am worthy of them from our temple marriage
i want to be my husbands equal in all things
i want to feel like i'm part of a team (which i do most times)
i want to have the type of relationship where you can have a "conversation" w/o ever saying a word
i'll say it...i want to have an AMAZING physical relationship w/ my hubby (which we do imo!)
i want my husband to appreciate the things i do and over look the things i may not get done
i want help from him (which i get alot of!)
i want to be able to have quality one on one time w/ my sweet man
i want my hubby to recognize his greatness in being a husband and father
i want to be always be the woman my hubby envisions me to be (aka someday i'd love to see myself how he sees me)
i want to be one of those couples that still adores one another and holds hands when we're old
i want to always be one of the good things in my hubby's day
i want to go dancing so i can share something i love w/ my hubby
i want to have one of those relationships w/ my hubby that when ppl see us they just know we love each other because they can see it
i want us to be able to obtain our dreams family wise, financially, individually, etc
i want to always say "i love you" when we go to bed at night, kiss when we part, love each other despite any momentary dislike, basically just be crazy in love w/ one another always
i want to like and get along w/ my il's and have him do the same for my side (dang how we are lucky there!)
i want to never be looked down upon because i choose to be a wife and mother before i choose any profession outside the home
i want to always be loved by the sweet wonderful man i married
ok, umm so that wasn't as easy as i was expecting it to be...that took me like over an hour to come up with...i really feel i have a defect in being able to word what i think/feel LOL

Entry #2 What I want

so i've been challenged to write about one of the more difficult topics for me today...so today's topic will be

what do i want--fun wise

well, i like snowboarding, despite it's cost and my inability to go often, it's a blast when i do get to go (minus the ouchies from falling LOL)

i really enjoy going to color me mine, but it's expensive and i'm not good at it so it's kinda silly to have lots of poorly painted ceramics around don't ya think LOL ;-)

i used to enjoy reading, but i've not really read for the shear enjoyment of reading in quite some time...i know i like hp books (so anxiously awaiting book 7) and i like mysteries, but it's hard to find things anymore because i feel so out of the loop as far as liturature goes...i really need to go back to some old classics that i like i guess...i've been challenged by fil to go at least once a week to the library for 1.5 hrs and sit and read on a day when rich is home...we'll see how that goes as soon as i can start doing it

i used to enjoy cooking, but i've not really done that for years for various reasons, i'd like to at least get back into baking and such, but i don't need the sugar and fat LOL

i'm actually enjoying my powertone class and glad that i was talked into that, and can honestly say that when the summer comes and i can't take it anymore i'll be bummed

i enjoy giving things to other ppl and seeing the excitement/joy on their faces at what i've gotten them

ummm, i don't really feel like i'm doing very good at this, i think i may have to revisit this as i don't feel like i've really made any progress...

Assignment Entry #1

ok, so what do i want...ummm...good question...i have very few ideas for this other than some basics...well, i know what i want spiritutually so i guess i'll start there...it's the "easy" one

What I want Spiritually out of life:

i want to be intune w/ the spirit

i want to know my Savior Jesus Chirst and be a tool in his hands to help others

i want celstial glory primarily so i can be w/ my family forever, that whole being able to create my own world is a really nice bonus though ;)

i want to be an example to my children and to others in the gospel

i want to live up to my potential as a divine daughter of God

i want to be a spiritual equal to my husband

i want to be worthy of each and every blessing given to me

i want to be able to have the inspiration to help my family and others when it's needed

i want to be genuine and never hypocritial

i don't necessarily want to be known as a spiritual giant, but i do NOT want to be known as a spiritual mouse either...

i'd like to be wise, which i feel totally comes from the spirit, knowledge is great, but w/o the spirit all it is is a bunch of facts

while i don't want "powerful" callings in the church, should i ever be called to one i want to be spiritually able to take it on and all that comes w/ it

i want to be one of the 5 wise rather than the 5 foolish

i want to be able to be a blessing rather than a hinderance to others in my life

i want to be that example others may need to be willing to let the gospel into their life

i think that's not too shabby for my first night of doing this...but i'm not looking fwd to some of the others on the list...not at all, especially personal, fun, & hobby LOL

so while it's not broken it could use some improvements

our marriage is a pretty dang good one if you ask me...alas we both know it's not perfect and could use some improvements...so we decided to utilize fil's professional training and went to talk w/ him on sunday...we went over various things...turns out part of our problem is that while we're listening we're not REALLY listening...so we're needing to work on that...but he also gave us each assignments to work on until we next get together...my assignment is so not going to be easy for me...it is the following

What do I want out of life

-spiritually

-marriage

-parenting

-personal

-fun

-hobby

can i tell you i'm already struggling w/ this...i have no idea what I want...who am i to want anything besides superficial things LOL

because i like the meaning of it

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.

The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up againsta parked car shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"

The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop..." With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother, "he said "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.

"Thank you and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy! push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home..It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!" God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our choice to listen or not.