i was brave this past week

i went and tried out for a part in once upon a mattress

tryouts started thrusday at 7 pm and were to go until 9 pm...i showed up about 7:45 and there were about 50-60 ppl there...i almost turned right around and left, BUT i didn't...i walked up to the table and signed in (something apparently some ppl didn't know they were to do because i was #40 on the list)...i waited and waited and waited and waited and FINALLY at about 10 i got in, sang my 16 measures, was in there a total of MAYBE a minute, they handed me a sheet of call back music for the nitingale and told me to be back friday at 9 pm

so friday rolls around...i work very hard a this piece, it's not the easiest thing on the block and i don't play the piano so i had to go by what i could find on you tube and sing along w/ it...8:30 comes up, i take off for the theater...tonight there are all the ppl (seriously like 1 in every 2 or 3 ppl that came out of the audition room on thursday had call back music so i was nothing special) and they're still auditioning the 7 to 9 pm new ppl auditioning for the show...so yet again i sit and wait, and wait and wait and wait...and FINALLY at 11 pm they call in the group for the nightingale...we all file in (there are like 15 ish of us) warm up to the first 9 bars of the song (halleluija they did NOT continue because it would not have been pretty on my part LOL) then they call us up in groups of 4, thankfully i was in the 1st group and i actually went first in that group as well...we sang our 9 bars, and then that group of us left and they continued w/ the rest of the group...as i was about to walk out they're all "see you on monday for dance tryouts" to which i promptly responded i would not be able to make it for that...besides the fact that the bird didn't dance and i clearly put on my tryout form that i am NOT interested in a part w/ the ensemble...soooo later this week i expect to get a no thank you email...and that's all right by me because i went and i did my best and that's all i can ask...especially here where it's seriously sooooo freaking saturated w/ talent

do i dare

do i dare to have rejection totally slapped right into my face?

try outs for once upon a mattress are coming up in just over a weeks time...i'd LOVE to play the part of winnifred in this show, BUT i have several things holding me back
-i think i may be too old for the part at this point
-i'm a complete unknown at the playhouse doing the show
-theater is SUCH a clique out here it's BEYOND ridiculous
-i've not been preparing as i should have, but i still do have time if i apply myself
-i've already got so much craziness going on, can i really take on more
-and most importantly, can i take the rejection when i get nothing or a crappy part i will have to turn down

i'm totally at a point in life right now where to take on a theater roll, since they're so time demanding, that it simply has to be SO good that i'd be stupid to turn it down, or so small it won't take much of my time

if i don't try out...i'm letting fear hold me back...



so...

in your face fear...i'm going to try out

i'm going to expect rejection or a crappy part, but i will try out none-the-less

a piece of my heart

i have been missing a piece of my heart for 7.5 years now...ever since the day of the miscarriage of what i know in my heart of hearts to be my son eric

i'm always missing his face in my sweet crowd of children...some days more than others.

today is one of those days

yesterday my sweet hubby and i were talking about it and my heart has simply ached for the loss since then

i've always felt, and who knows maybe it's my way of making me feel better about it, that i would be blessed to have him again come into my life...this life...that i won't have to wait forever to hold his sweet face in my hands and give him a kiss so very long coming

there are those out there that do not believe that a child is a child until they're breathing on their own in this world...as a mother that lost her 13 wk inutero baby...i can tell you that you are wrong...i felt his spirit with me during the time i was pregnant with him...i started to know what an amazing person he is and i felt honored that i was and will be again his momma

for those of you that read this blog and know who i really am...you know that i am NOT a cryer...it's just not something i do...but i sit here fighting back the tears of seperation from this sweet and wonderful child

when i lost him...i truely lost a piece of my heart

and i ache