it's been awhile but i need to rant

ok...i'm a firm believer that even if you don't vote for the guy they deserve respect and support...but i have to say...i have NOT at any point yet been able to support our current president in any way shape or form

and can someone PLEASE tell me why we are paying for his family to take all these extravagant trips and his wife and her friends on an outing etc...since when is it my job to make it so they can go to hawaii for Christmas?!!!

and all the rest of the political crap...DON'T even get me started!

i know there are those out there that think it's wonderful blah blah blah...but ya know what...IT'S NOT...we're all getting screwed over...the "little guy" wasn't supposed to get hurt in any of his crappy policies that have come down the shoot...but as ALL of my friends that carry private health insurance can tell you...they've gotten screwed a LOT...3 premium hikes just this year alone...several of my friends pay more on insurance now than they do for the mtg on their home...how is that NOT hurting the "little guy"?! and i can honestly say i don't blame the insurance companies...yes, they're choosing to do it, but as a reactionary thing to what they're being forced to do...and of course if we can get it repealed in the next term those rates won't go down...once up, RARELY do they go down...so the "little guy" will continue to get hurt by the agenda of those i personally feel are evil.

charity is NEVER forced...it is freely given...it is NOT taken and redistributed...it is freely given...a LOT more gets done when ppl pull together by CHOICE and help out their brothers and sisters around them...ok, i gotta stop now because it's just raising my blood pressure and it's NOT good for the baby...but just know...it makes me VERY angry

don't EVEN get me started on the agriculture bill that just passed either...so unconstitutional it's not even funny

oh...also

i did NOT get a part in once upon a mattress...and my experience during auditions...well, i've played all sorts of different venues and been through different types of auditions...and this...well, this was mayhem...TONS of ppl, which is really no biggie...the thing that bothered me...unprofessionalism

the whole audition was SO unprofessional imo...they had practically EVERYONE that auditioned come back...told them to be there at a set time....for my set call back time...i wasn't even seen until 2 hrs later...i was to be there at 9, our call back wasn't until 11...which by that time i was DEAD tired...and after that they wanted everyone to come back 2 days later AGAIN for dancing auditions...i did not attend those, i'd already told them i did not what a chorus position so there was no point for me to attend such a thing AND hubby was gone so i would've had to get a sitter...on a school night where i probably wouldn't be home until midnight...simply not worth it to me

i've directed, i've auditioned my cast...i would have NEVER had anyone come back that i was NOT interested in seriously...it's just NOT professional and waste every bodies time and gets the hopes up of ppl you have no intention of using...it's simply NOT COOL

also found out later that they essentially cast relatives of the directors...insert rolling eyes here...if you were going to cast them then why did you EVEN hold auditions for those parts...i highly doubt i'll audition there again...i've got better things to do w/ my time

guess i've been neglectful...AGAIN

but this is probably no surprise to anyone LOL

things have been crazy on all fronts of life...trying to buy a house, end of school, start of summer, "moving"...it's quite the roller coaster...but hey, if craziness didn't happen life would be boring and who wants to live a boring life!

i'm fatigued and feeling a bit gross but i'll make it through...that's what i do...i make it through to the other side...look back, evaluate what i've come through, tackle the next thing in front of me

i'll admit...i'd really rather spend all day at a spa LOL

p.s. as per my last post...i was notified, i just didn't get the message...LOVE not getting my messages LOL

REALLY shouldn't let this bother me

but it does...

i not only found out 2nd had but like 3rd or 4th hand that a friend of mine had her baby yesterday...i'm sure it was an oversight because things did not go down as planned, but still...bums me out

i was brave this past week

i went and tried out for a part in once upon a mattress

tryouts started thrusday at 7 pm and were to go until 9 pm...i showed up about 7:45 and there were about 50-60 ppl there...i almost turned right around and left, BUT i didn't...i walked up to the table and signed in (something apparently some ppl didn't know they were to do because i was #40 on the list)...i waited and waited and waited and waited and FINALLY at about 10 i got in, sang my 16 measures, was in there a total of MAYBE a minute, they handed me a sheet of call back music for the nitingale and told me to be back friday at 9 pm

so friday rolls around...i work very hard a this piece, it's not the easiest thing on the block and i don't play the piano so i had to go by what i could find on you tube and sing along w/ it...8:30 comes up, i take off for the theater...tonight there are all the ppl (seriously like 1 in every 2 or 3 ppl that came out of the audition room on thursday had call back music so i was nothing special) and they're still auditioning the 7 to 9 pm new ppl auditioning for the show...so yet again i sit and wait, and wait and wait and wait...and FINALLY at 11 pm they call in the group for the nightingale...we all file in (there are like 15 ish of us) warm up to the first 9 bars of the song (halleluija they did NOT continue because it would not have been pretty on my part LOL) then they call us up in groups of 4, thankfully i was in the 1st group and i actually went first in that group as well...we sang our 9 bars, and then that group of us left and they continued w/ the rest of the group...as i was about to walk out they're all "see you on monday for dance tryouts" to which i promptly responded i would not be able to make it for that...besides the fact that the bird didn't dance and i clearly put on my tryout form that i am NOT interested in a part w/ the ensemble...soooo later this week i expect to get a no thank you email...and that's all right by me because i went and i did my best and that's all i can ask...especially here where it's seriously sooooo freaking saturated w/ talent

do i dare

do i dare to have rejection totally slapped right into my face?

try outs for once upon a mattress are coming up in just over a weeks time...i'd LOVE to play the part of winnifred in this show, BUT i have several things holding me back
-i think i may be too old for the part at this point
-i'm a complete unknown at the playhouse doing the show
-theater is SUCH a clique out here it's BEYOND ridiculous
-i've not been preparing as i should have, but i still do have time if i apply myself
-i've already got so much craziness going on, can i really take on more
-and most importantly, can i take the rejection when i get nothing or a crappy part i will have to turn down

i'm totally at a point in life right now where to take on a theater roll, since they're so time demanding, that it simply has to be SO good that i'd be stupid to turn it down, or so small it won't take much of my time

if i don't try out...i'm letting fear hold me back...



so...

in your face fear...i'm going to try out

i'm going to expect rejection or a crappy part, but i will try out none-the-less

a piece of my heart

i have been missing a piece of my heart for 7.5 years now...ever since the day of the miscarriage of what i know in my heart of hearts to be my son eric

i'm always missing his face in my sweet crowd of children...some days more than others.

today is one of those days

yesterday my sweet hubby and i were talking about it and my heart has simply ached for the loss since then

i've always felt, and who knows maybe it's my way of making me feel better about it, that i would be blessed to have him again come into my life...this life...that i won't have to wait forever to hold his sweet face in my hands and give him a kiss so very long coming

there are those out there that do not believe that a child is a child until they're breathing on their own in this world...as a mother that lost her 13 wk inutero baby...i can tell you that you are wrong...i felt his spirit with me during the time i was pregnant with him...i started to know what an amazing person he is and i felt honored that i was and will be again his momma

for those of you that read this blog and know who i really am...you know that i am NOT a cryer...it's just not something i do...but i sit here fighting back the tears of seperation from this sweet and wonderful child

when i lost him...i truely lost a piece of my heart

and i ache