neglectful, that's what i've been

very very neglectful

i've been busy busy busy trying to keep the wheel of everyday life going

not much to report beyond that

i know

you're heartbroken ;)

it's been awhile but i need to rant

ok...i'm a firm believer that even if you don't vote for the guy they deserve respect and support...but i have to say...i have NOT at any point yet been able to support our current president in any way shape or form

and can someone PLEASE tell me why we are paying for his family to take all these extravagant trips and his wife and her friends on an outing etc...since when is it my job to make it so they can go to hawaii for Christmas?!!!

and all the rest of the political crap...DON'T even get me started!

i know there are those out there that think it's wonderful blah blah blah...but ya know what...IT'S NOT...we're all getting screwed over...the "little guy" wasn't supposed to get hurt in any of his crappy policies that have come down the shoot...but as ALL of my friends that carry private health insurance can tell you...they've gotten screwed a LOT...3 premium hikes just this year alone...several of my friends pay more on insurance now than they do for the mtg on their home...how is that NOT hurting the "little guy"?! and i can honestly say i don't blame the insurance companies...yes, they're choosing to do it, but as a reactionary thing to what they're being forced to do...and of course if we can get it repealed in the next term those rates won't go down...once up, RARELY do they go down...so the "little guy" will continue to get hurt by the agenda of those i personally feel are evil.

charity is NEVER forced...it is freely given...it is NOT taken and redistributed...it is freely given...a LOT more gets done when ppl pull together by CHOICE and help out their brothers and sisters around them...ok, i gotta stop now because it's just raising my blood pressure and it's NOT good for the baby...but just know...it makes me VERY angry

don't EVEN get me started on the agriculture bill that just passed either...so unconstitutional it's not even funny

oh...also

i did NOT get a part in once upon a mattress...and my experience during auditions...well, i've played all sorts of different venues and been through different types of auditions...and this...well, this was mayhem...TONS of ppl, which is really no biggie...the thing that bothered me...unprofessionalism

the whole audition was SO unprofessional imo...they had practically EVERYONE that auditioned come back...told them to be there at a set time....for my set call back time...i wasn't even seen until 2 hrs later...i was to be there at 9, our call back wasn't until 11...which by that time i was DEAD tired...and after that they wanted everyone to come back 2 days later AGAIN for dancing auditions...i did not attend those, i'd already told them i did not what a chorus position so there was no point for me to attend such a thing AND hubby was gone so i would've had to get a sitter...on a school night where i probably wouldn't be home until midnight...simply not worth it to me

i've directed, i've auditioned my cast...i would have NEVER had anyone come back that i was NOT interested in seriously...it's just NOT professional and waste every bodies time and gets the hopes up of ppl you have no intention of using...it's simply NOT COOL

also found out later that they essentially cast relatives of the directors...insert rolling eyes here...if you were going to cast them then why did you EVEN hold auditions for those parts...i highly doubt i'll audition there again...i've got better things to do w/ my time

guess i've been neglectful...AGAIN

but this is probably no surprise to anyone LOL

things have been crazy on all fronts of life...trying to buy a house, end of school, start of summer, "moving"...it's quite the roller coaster...but hey, if craziness didn't happen life would be boring and who wants to live a boring life!

i'm fatigued and feeling a bit gross but i'll make it through...that's what i do...i make it through to the other side...look back, evaluate what i've come through, tackle the next thing in front of me

i'll admit...i'd really rather spend all day at a spa LOL

p.s. as per my last post...i was notified, i just didn't get the message...LOVE not getting my messages LOL

REALLY shouldn't let this bother me

but it does...

i not only found out 2nd had but like 3rd or 4th hand that a friend of mine had her baby yesterday...i'm sure it was an oversight because things did not go down as planned, but still...bums me out

i was brave this past week

i went and tried out for a part in once upon a mattress

tryouts started thrusday at 7 pm and were to go until 9 pm...i showed up about 7:45 and there were about 50-60 ppl there...i almost turned right around and left, BUT i didn't...i walked up to the table and signed in (something apparently some ppl didn't know they were to do because i was #40 on the list)...i waited and waited and waited and waited and FINALLY at about 10 i got in, sang my 16 measures, was in there a total of MAYBE a minute, they handed me a sheet of call back music for the nitingale and told me to be back friday at 9 pm

so friday rolls around...i work very hard a this piece, it's not the easiest thing on the block and i don't play the piano so i had to go by what i could find on you tube and sing along w/ it...8:30 comes up, i take off for the theater...tonight there are all the ppl (seriously like 1 in every 2 or 3 ppl that came out of the audition room on thursday had call back music so i was nothing special) and they're still auditioning the 7 to 9 pm new ppl auditioning for the show...so yet again i sit and wait, and wait and wait and wait...and FINALLY at 11 pm they call in the group for the nightingale...we all file in (there are like 15 ish of us) warm up to the first 9 bars of the song (halleluija they did NOT continue because it would not have been pretty on my part LOL) then they call us up in groups of 4, thankfully i was in the 1st group and i actually went first in that group as well...we sang our 9 bars, and then that group of us left and they continued w/ the rest of the group...as i was about to walk out they're all "see you on monday for dance tryouts" to which i promptly responded i would not be able to make it for that...besides the fact that the bird didn't dance and i clearly put on my tryout form that i am NOT interested in a part w/ the ensemble...soooo later this week i expect to get a no thank you email...and that's all right by me because i went and i did my best and that's all i can ask...especially here where it's seriously sooooo freaking saturated w/ talent

do i dare

do i dare to have rejection totally slapped right into my face?

try outs for once upon a mattress are coming up in just over a weeks time...i'd LOVE to play the part of winnifred in this show, BUT i have several things holding me back
-i think i may be too old for the part at this point
-i'm a complete unknown at the playhouse doing the show
-theater is SUCH a clique out here it's BEYOND ridiculous
-i've not been preparing as i should have, but i still do have time if i apply myself
-i've already got so much craziness going on, can i really take on more
-and most importantly, can i take the rejection when i get nothing or a crappy part i will have to turn down

i'm totally at a point in life right now where to take on a theater roll, since they're so time demanding, that it simply has to be SO good that i'd be stupid to turn it down, or so small it won't take much of my time

if i don't try out...i'm letting fear hold me back...



so...

in your face fear...i'm going to try out

i'm going to expect rejection or a crappy part, but i will try out none-the-less

a piece of my heart

i have been missing a piece of my heart for 7.5 years now...ever since the day of the miscarriage of what i know in my heart of hearts to be my son eric

i'm always missing his face in my sweet crowd of children...some days more than others.

today is one of those days

yesterday my sweet hubby and i were talking about it and my heart has simply ached for the loss since then

i've always felt, and who knows maybe it's my way of making me feel better about it, that i would be blessed to have him again come into my life...this life...that i won't have to wait forever to hold his sweet face in my hands and give him a kiss so very long coming

there are those out there that do not believe that a child is a child until they're breathing on their own in this world...as a mother that lost her 13 wk inutero baby...i can tell you that you are wrong...i felt his spirit with me during the time i was pregnant with him...i started to know what an amazing person he is and i felt honored that i was and will be again his momma

for those of you that read this blog and know who i really am...you know that i am NOT a cryer...it's just not something i do...but i sit here fighting back the tears of seperation from this sweet and wonderful child

when i lost him...i truely lost a piece of my heart

and i ache

pain

pain is really not my friend...at least not today...i know it's complaining, but i hurt all over...even my toes hurt today...however, i am greatful that i can still move of my own volition...i need to not feel sorry for myself...there are others out there that hurt WAY more than i do all the time, mine is just temporary

tankless water heater

it shouldn't be so flipping difficult to find the approved tankless water heaters from the questar gas list to get the $300 rebate...grrr

waiting for someone to come now and take a gander at the current water heater and give me an estimate on tank and install...where the heck is he!

totally disenchanted already

i'm seriously so disenchanted already w/ our current gov't powers that be it's so NOT funny
sometimes i consider getting into politics so i can make much needed changes, alas, i don't want to put my family through that and, as a general rule, the people that would do the most good don't make it very far because they're not underhanded or crooked
all i can pray for at this point, since there will be no special election to kick them all out of office, is that they will listen to the spirit or listen to those that listen to the spirit so that we don't completely go to hell in a handbasket

a total RANT!!!

i'm so put off by this you have NO idea...

when the prime minister from our #1 ally country comes to visit you...YOU GIVE HIM THE RESPECT AND DIGNITY HE DESERVES and you follow through w/ the niceties and get him a real gift...not a stupid basket w/ the AMERICAN FORMATTED dvds of et and star wars in it!!! especially when he gives you a VERY nice pen set in a box made out of the freaking HMS Resolute! and then the PM's wife gave Michelle some VERY nice clothes from a VERY nice store and what does Michelle give her...some bunk models of air force one seen essentially as an after though...seriously i don't expect them to pick it out themselves, but they have ppl for this!!!

i really hope Gordon does not see this slap in the face as how our whole country feels about him, but just how Obama is be having...and oh how i pray it does not effect our ally relationship w/ them...we NEED them...OH, and Obama gave back the bust of Winston Churchill that was given to us after 9-11 (reference to blitz krig and how they understand how it feels to be attacked at home in that way etc)...Gordon was all "if you don't want it in your office put it in a museum"...Obama was all "no, we don't need it"

i'm so disgusted w/ Obama right now it's ridiculous...in our economy i don't expect him to go spend tons of money on gifts for the Gordon's, but still some real thought should've been put into it and the return of the bust should never have happened...that was a total slap in the face!!!

blessings and being humbled by them

today we received a phone call from washburn motors (www.washburnmotorsinc.com) informing us that an anonymous donor wanted to give us a car...when my hubby informed me of this i burst into tears...for all of you that know me, you know that this is NOT a usual occurance for me...we were both just totally floored and humbled that someone loved us enough to do something like this for us (we know we're loved, but not too many ppl that just go around giving others a car ya know) so after #1's 5 yr check up (75% for height, 50% for wt, one shot) we went to the dealership
on the phone he didn't tell us how much we had to work with so we were thinking like $1800 MAYBE up to $3000...so were there and he says there is a hinderence, that he only has like 3 cars on the lot that fit into the budget that he was given of $7500!!!!
(insert me choking almost passing out right here)
hubby and i seriously didn't know what to think, we've not had a car that we've purchased since being married that cost more than $2200 (and i think it may have been less than that!) so the 3 cars that the dealer had on his lot that worked were an infiniti sedan, nissan sentra sedan, and a toyota sienna mini van...as those that know us...we've got 3 and we plan on one more so the van makes the most sense for us...we're test driving it and unless impressed otherwise will probably get that...if we don't get that we can discuss w/ the dealer what we would like and then he can try and get a car on his lot that will work for us...
what an amazing blessing and how humbling...for us, when we get to the point where we can do things like this for others we will consider ourselves wealthy beyond measure because being able to bless others in this manner makes you rich beyond a worldly concept!

the economy

well, suffice it to say that the economy is quite iffy at the moment...and yet the bills keep coming...we were gone for a week visiting family and when we got back we had just over $500 worth of bills in the mail...which is on top of the almost $600 we're still paying off for the car repairs we've had done...AND we've got at least another $500 worth of car repairs that need to be done because like 2 days after i got the thermostat fixed and 2 new tires put on the car apparently the fuel pump went out :(
it really feels like when it rains it pours BUT we have been blessed...we finally got the medical bills paid off from when #3 was born and the subsequent visits for her arm. in this season of remembering what to be thankful for...i am more than greatful that my sweet hubby has a job, i am more than greatful that i too have way to bring in some money through my tutoring (which i'm hoping to do some irl to make a little more)...it's just really hard when you bust your butt working and it barely touches what has to be paid...for all of those that may read this that are planning on going to college or are currently in college please take the following to heart and abide by it...DO NOT TAKE OUT PRIVATE SCHOOL LOANS!!!
why you may ask...simply put, they will eat you alive...we pay more than 1/3 of our monthly income each month to just hubby's school loans...and the interest rates on them are astronomical! in our case we had no other choice because let's just face it...aviation traning cost a fortune and the gov't school loans don't even come close to covering it...not to mention that you make almost nothing once you become a pilot (are you shocked...so was i when i found out how much he'd be making...oh well, he loves his job that's what is important!) if you're doing regular college...don't touch them w/ a 20 ft pole, even if it means only being able to go part time or to take just enough credits to be full time and then work...do it...you will be greatful you did in the long run...you can never get away from a private school loan...if we had been in a different situation (or hubby had a different field of study) we would have just over $26k in school loans...instead we have almost $100k in school loans...we've been working very hard at paying them down for 3 years now and have chizzeled it away to about $80k i believe...it's so huge i honestly don't even know sometimes how much we do owe on it...i know it will be gone w/in 12 years, but it sure doesn't feel like it at times...
speaking of loans in general...have you heard of the snowball effect? if not read the book debt free on any income...it's a great resource...it's basically about paying a little extra each month on one of the loans that you want to pay off first, once you've achieved that then you take that little extra and what you used to pay on the loan you just paid off and put it twds the next loan you want to pay off and so on and so forth because you're already used to being w/o that money...we started about 2.5 years ago paying an extra $70 each month twds the highest interest loan in the group of 3 private school loans that we had...we were able to pay that loan off w/in just over a years time from starting to pay $70 extra each month compared to the scheduled 15 years...granted it was the smallest of the 3 loans, but as i said it did have the highest interest rate...more than 1/2 of the payment each month went to just interest!...since that was paid off we now pay just over $150 extra each month twds the smaller of the two remaining private loans...once we accomplish paying that off we will put all that money twds the largest one (which is beastie!) by doing this we hope to have the private school loans paid off in 10 years rather than 15 years saving us TONS of money on interest...it's amazing how much less interest we paid just by paying an extra $70 each month twds the loan (i should also note that we would put part of our tax return and i also cashed out my ira from before we were married to pay down this loan...that happened before we read the above book and started making a monthly power payment...so it was a large loan, just the smallest of the 3 private)...the gov't school loans i will admit we are just going to pay at their normal schedule simply because the interest rate is almost non-existant and it's a good loan to have on our credit report (we'll hubby's credit report) so if we are lucky enough to buy a home before we're done paying off the private school loans we will then roll all those payments over each month that we had been making to the last private school loan to our mtg and pay that down faster too...it really does make sense simply because if you do the calculations...it really is huge the amount of money you will save on interest by paying extra twds the principle (granted this is based on a legit 15,20,30 yr fixed home loan...it will work on the other types of loans, just not as well and i personally don't believe in them as i don't feel them safe options...just look at the forclosures, most are because of "fancy" home loans that were not fixed)...oh, in the book mentioned above...it comes w/ a cd-rom that you can install on your comp and plug in your debt and it will show you how much you will save, how much faster you can pay loans off, and more just by paying a power payment at the start (as i said our's originally was only an extra $70 each month...but it really can be any amount...even $5 gets you closer to paying off in)...i'm a big fan of this book...can you tell? ;-)
i don't see our economy getting better as a whole any time soon, but we each as individuals can do what we can to cut back on unnecessary spending and paying down our outstanding debts (oh, the snowball thing works for credit card debt too, forgot to mention that earlier) as with our family that really is nothing else that we can cut out unless we lower our food budget and that's basically already as low as it can go, BUT i can shop smarter...making a menu for two weeks and buying the supplies that i need...sticking to my list...price comparing, etc...i'm not the greatest at the menu thing, but i'm working on it...and if you look at my house right now you probably think we're not home because there are almost no lights on...my thermostat is set at 68 degrees...we each have to do what we can for ourselves and our families...and when we can, help others because we all need a hand once in awhile

disappointed but going to try to live by this

How Calm Applies to the Election
It's Election Day in America and I am not going to tell you how to vote, but we are going to discuss anxiety and who has power over our lives. We're in North Carolina for a series of workshops to train teachers, parents and students over the next three days-so I am going to keep this brief.

During a Q&A session at a Workshop in New York earlier this year, a Marine stood up and asked this question: "How can we expect to achieve peace in our home if my seven-year-old son cannot execute simple commands?"

I had to apologize for laughing, because I recognized those words as the son of a Colonel. But what really hit me was the implication of the father's words-he was relinquishing power over his home to a little child.

When we say, "My son is driving me crazy" or "My daughter is pushing me over the edge," who is in control? Who has power over our emotions?

When we consistently give attention to the negative, interruptive behavior of a student in class, we are giving that student power over our classroom.

When we say, "IF only my husband/wife would do x, our marriage would be better," we are placing the power for our happiness in another person's hands. That's a dangerous proposition.

When we instantly react to a daughter rolling her eyes or our son saying, "Whatever," we are giving them power over our emotions and reactions.

Later this week, we will be conducting assemblies for elementary, middle and high school students at a very progressive school in the Charlotte area. Our message to students is this: you have the opportunity to be the most powerful person in the world. When you give in to peer pressure, you are giving strangers power over your decisions. When you look to a girlfriend or boyfriend to make you happy, you are placing your fragile emotions in their hands. When you miss an opportunity to be kind to a student who is different or alone because you fear what your friends will say, you have now become a puppet. But when you control your own emotions, when you calm your own fears and anxiety so that no one can move you, then you have become the most powerful person in the world.

As parents, when we conform our family's life to what the Jones' are doing, we have given power over our family's life to society. It's time to take back control.

Let's discuss the election. We believe in being actively involved in the political process. My teenage son volunteered this past weekend, knocking on doors and helping educate neighbors about his preferred candidate. But here is some perspective for you.

When we say, "If my candidate does not win, the next four years are going to be awful," we are giving power to a politician. We are giving power over our emotions to an event outside of our control. By the end of the day, half of the country is going to be ecstatic and half will be depressed. I refuse to give power over my emotions and future to any candidate.

In fact, I urge you to make this bold declaration today: During the next four years, no matter who is President, we will grow closer as a family; we will cultivate and use our gifts and passions to help others; we will forgive and show compassion to everyone we meet; we will give more money to charity and those less fortunate than us; we will help impact more people's lives; we will empower our children to be understand themselves and be responsible for their actions; we will grow personally to be more wise, mature and calm.

No candidate, no policies, no outward circumstances can change that declaration unless we allow it. I hope that you will use this moment, this historic election day, as a defining moment to give your children and students the greatest gift you can ever give them: modeling for them an adult who is in control of their own emotions, who demonstrates calm and power over their attitudes no matter the circumstances. It is the greatest challenge you will face, but the one with the greatest reward.

Kirk Martin
Director of Education

www.CelebrateCalm.com

another political post

all i want to say in this post is simply this
it's a dang good thing that we don't have to agree on who we want to vote for to still be friends...i love my friends just not some of my friends choice for president...and that's just fine w/ me...they are more important to me than who they vote for
that being said...i still think this political race is almost more than a joke at times...
i'll be voting for mccain, but not 100% because i think he's the best candidate,
but more because i feel he is the lesser of two evils...and let's face it
i'm a conservative

political rants and raves

rave: sooooo smart of mccain to pick a skirt for his running mate...even better that she's totally worth her salt!!!

rant: oh puh-lease...obama just needs to get off of it and never try this again...he's not qualified and he is down right scary imo

well poo...yes, it's another money vent/rant

the 25 craft were a rumor so now who knows when hubby will get a promotion...which i was really REALLY hoping for in the next 6 months
the financial difference btwn what we have now and what his upgrade would give us what we need to do more than just make it by each month...
i really want to pay off his school loans faster than we're able to right now and of course we'd really REALLY like to be able to start to save for a home...that's so not going to happen ANY time soon w/o an upgrade...i just don't earn enough money doing what i do from home to make a big enough of a difference for us to be able to actually save much of anything
and of course now that it's the summer, that means i work just that much less which of course means much less money...maybe i'll have to become a mentor before i really want to just so i can earn some extra money...i really don't want to do that until after #3 gets here because i'd feel horrible if i started it now then after #3 gets here i just don't feel like i can do it and have to quite being a mentor
money is so dumb...and w/ the cost of gas as it is, we have even less of it to go around...not like hubby can just not drive to work...not that i want wild lands to be destroyed, but seriously there are ways to harvest oils that we have in our own country that won't completely destroy everything, it would look different, but we're smarter about harvesting oil compared to 50 yrs ago...there will be less eco impact if it's done right and just imagine the savings at the pump if it was our own oil compared to getting it from other countries...ok, off that soap box because it's just gonna get my feathers ruffled
won't go there on politics because...well, let's face it...it's another lesser of two evils election...although i feel the differences is vast btwn the two candidates...but that is as far as i will go on that subject
hubby's job seems fairly secure at the moment, but so many airlines are going under because of the cost of fuel...which of course is kinda good for him because that means his airline picks up some of those routs, but still...
at least i'm having another girl so i don't have to buy new clothes right?

swimming lessons

the girls started taking swim lessons earlier this week, they've both had a blast so far and are becoming much more comfy w/ water, they were ok before but doing better even still
#1 is in a pk level 2 class by herself and #2 is in the parent child class because she's still under 3...she's really doing awesome...she went to her 1st 3 days w/ daddy and today w/ me...i feel a bit lost as i don't really know what's going on in her class, but that's ok...it's mostly for fun right LOL
oh, and holy cow, getting back out of the water today...
wow....
let's just say, gravity is not my friend at all...it was quite difficult climbing the ladder out of the pool and getting my legs to take the wt of my big ol'pregnant body again...thankfully it didn't take to long for my body to adjust, but still...wow
#1 had her dance recital about 2 wks ago, it was cute, nothing spectacular by any means, but very cute...both girls will be taking the class this fall btwn sept and nov, so it will be interesting to see how they do, we put them in separate classes so that they could feel special that they were getting to take a class AND so #2 wouldn't mimic her sister's behavior and cause problems for the teacher LOL
that class starts about a month after #3 is "due" to make her debut so we'll see how that all goes...
and on that note, i'm measuring about 2.5 wks bigger than i am along, which bodes well for the theory that my crazy weight is due to excess amniotic fluid...because she's not big, she's in there bee-boppin' all over the place quite quickly so i'm not worried about her being too big as of yet...granted i've got 5-9 wks to go depending when she decides to show up (i'm voting for 37-38 wks...so 6-7 wks more)

as always it's been awhile LOL

the ever slacker at keeping up w/ things of this nature...i told you all that i didn't write in my journal for like 3 yrs...i wrote in it a few days before hubby and i got married and then not again until after the birth of #1 by several months...like i think we were in florida by time i wrote in there again so she was several months old...so as i was saying...ever the slacker LOL
as far as baby #3 goes, we're in the "home stretch" as far as i'm 2/3rds of the way "done"...she's almost cooked...next week i have to go in and get my rohgam shot (yay for me...all the joys of having a negative blood type)...she's growing and wiggling about in there, but i still don't feel her every move so on the days she's not making big movements i get nervous still because i'm not feeling her...yes, we all know i'm a paranoid momma
i've been telling her that she's NOT allowed to come out w/ her hand on her face like her sisters did, which is why i had tears w/ them, if it had not been for those little hands i'm sure i would've come out unscathed...i've also been telling her that her dad's b-day would be a great day for her to come (a little more than a week before her edd, but anything after 36 wks is considered "full term") that way i won't have to get him anything for his b-day LOL
yes i know i'm a stinker LOL
the girls are learning the baby's name (sure hope it doesn't change after she's born or they'll be confused LOL) and it's really cute to hear them tell ppl that i have a baby in my tummy and what the baby's name is
#2 is getting "closer" to being pt'd but we're still not there...yesterday she did finally poo in the potty, but w/ MUCH persuasion and tears from her (she doesn't go because she doesn't want to use the potty and she knows she's not supposed to poo in her pants so she gets constipated...poor kid) i asked her a bit ago if she was going to go poo in the potty today and she said she was, so we'll see how far that actually goes LOL...although she did get a small amount of ice cream, to call her dad, both g-mas, and an aunt...AND she was going to get a lolli pop at the store, but i couldn't find any (crazy huh!) so she got one of those mini ben & jerry's ice cream cups (cookie dough)...well, that didn't last long, i can smell her now...blech
now the goal is not to gag :(
well, that needs to be taken care of so off i go...man i'd like to have a break from diapers...haven't had one in over 4 yrs...a break from diapers would be nice...even if it is only going to be month or so